A Closet Door Nailed Shut, Part 1

Coming out of the Closet. That's what people say right? OH MY GOD! He's GAY!? I never knew! When did he Come Out of the Closet?
Well, I can tell you MY Big Gay Ape Story! And how I actually Came Out 21 years ago, but um...well, it didn't really stick so I had to do it again 21 years later. Confused? Fuckin-A right. So am I. So. Grab a nice Percocet and Jagermeister Spritzer and enjoy my sad tail of woe....
I knew I was gay when i was about 13 to 14 years old. We had a subscription to National Geographic and while most boys are looking for some Aboriginal Boob action for the beginning for their masturbatory careers, i was looking at the guys dancing naked in the back ground. Hey its true. What can i say?
But even being a sheltered 14 year old kid wanking it like it was going to fall off some day so take advantage of that thing now! I had enough sense to know to NEVER tell anyone that you would rather kiss a boy than a girl. In school in South Texas in the mid to early 80's where pastimes were Football, dirt bikes, and setting the abandoned fields behind our house on fire because we were bored, I knew anyone finding out would lead to serious ass beatings and God knew what else. So, I stayed quietly tucked back in the closet not bothering anyone not making a noise.
High School was fun....not really. I had a group of friends I hung with. I was the funny one. I was loud, funny, and scared. I dated a few girls. but I knew that it wasn't right for me. But I dated anyway. A few dates then let them drift off. That would keep the cover. When all my friends started getting laid, head, under the shirt action etc. I just cracked jokes and kept the conversation away from me. I made it through High School pretty much unscathed and left pretty soon after. I joined the Navy.
Yes. I said the Navy. While in all my fucked up state of mind with the who can I tell and trust with this? My Dad decided to divorce my Mom. I was told a few days after I turned 18. It pretty much made my family life crappy like my life inside me was. SO appropriate. I decided to leave town. So being the genius that I am i joined the Navy and left soon after Graduation.
NOW! IF you are thinking of joining the Navy because you will see Cher on the Battle Ship like in the video, you won't. You won't dance on the ships deck with gay sailors spinning mops and brooms like a fucking Broadway Musical and having sweaty gay sex in the engine room. IT WON'T HAPPEN ok? What will happen if you are found out a Macho State of Mind takes over on board the ship and you WILL get a beat down. I never did. I was a good little "Don't ask Don't tell." I had years of experience at being a funny manly dude. And damned if it didn't save me again!
I did 2 years in the Navy. I hated it. I was paranoid. one slip up, one wrong word, one indiscretion that was found out i would be humiliated and physically hurt. i eventually was discharged and sent home. I went AWOL a lot and just couldn't handle it. When I joined the Navy I was socially stunted and not used to being outside my close circle of friends that I had fooled. Fooling the big open world on a Navel ship was way to hard. So, I bailed out until they told me to leave.
So, I get home, get my old job back and go on like business as usual. I lie and tell all my friends how I scored like a MADMAN! In California. NO Poonany was safe when the Ape was around baby! Lies. That was my life. Lies, on lies on lies.
During all this I met a girl named MissApe. we dated some, fooled around some, etc. How does a gay Ape fool around? Well, if you have a boy and a girl in front of you and only ONE of them is messing with your junk and your eyes are closed, its sensation. It feels good. get it? Do you know who for sure it is? Nope. And your Junk doesn't care. It's empty feelings inside a lot but having a Missape close helps to build and strengthen the lies. Is it fair to her? Hell no. Was it fair to use girls in High School as a shield, hell no. Am i total shit for this? Yea. But its the reality for what men do out of fear. Fear of losing loved ones, fear of violence, fear of people knowing......
At one point Missape and I broke up. I having been lying for so long had one night of weakness. I went to a gay bar. I was 21. I say "A" gay bar because it was the only one in town. I parked across the street so no one would see my car and I went in. Scared. Excited. Lost. All of it and more. I sat alone and a few guys in a group came and sat down. I managed to talk to them but was so scared I never actually told them anything about me. I just wanted to leave. I said goodbye and one of the guys gave me his number and said to call him. I ran out of the bar and never went back.
I did however call the guy and we met at his place to talk. Talk, yea is that what the kids call it today? We were intimate. I won't do details ok? But I was normal. for the 1 1/2-2 hours I was with him I was me. and I was excited! I felt like I could do ANYTHING! I was going home, and i was telling Mom I was GAY! She had to know how I felt now! It was gonna be ok!
It. Wasn't. I asked my Mom to sit down so we could talk. She looked at me and said OH MY GOD YOU'RE GAY! I hadn't said a word. I was shocked! I said how did you know!? Her face fell apart. She was just kidding. We talked a bit then she called her sister who gave her some Valium. I'm pretty sure it was Valium. Mom went to bed and we never spoke of it again.
I quietly went back to the closet, got back in my old seat (it was still warm) and closed the door....
I will post the action packed Finale! in the next few days. DRUGS! MARRIAGE! THERAPY! all the exciting details of "A Closet Door Nailed Shut" part 2.