A Closet Door Nailed Shut, Part 1

Coming out of the Closet. That's what people say right? OH MY GOD! He's GAY!? I never knew! When did he Come Out of the Closet?
Well, I can tell you MY Big Gay Ape Story! And how I actually Came Out 21 years ago, but um...well, it didn't really stick so I had to do it again 21 years later. Confused? Fuckin-A right. So am I. So. Grab a nice Percocet and Jagermeister Spritzer and enjoy my sad tail of woe....
I knew I was gay when i was about 13 to 14 years old. We had a subscription to National Geographic and while most boys are looking for some Aboriginal Boob action for the beginning for their masturbatory careers, i was looking at the guys dancing naked in the back ground. Hey its true. What can i say?
But even being a sheltered 14 year old kid wanking it like it was going to fall off some day so take advantage of that thing now! I had enough sense to know to NEVER tell anyone that you would rather kiss a boy than a girl. In school in South Texas in the mid to early 80's where pastimes were Football, dirt bikes, and setting the abandoned fields behind our house on fire because we were bored, I knew anyone finding out would lead to serious ass beatings and God knew what else. So, I stayed quietly tucked back in the closet not bothering anyone not making a noise.
High School was fun....not really. I had a group of friends I hung with. I was the funny one. I was loud, funny, and scared. I dated a few girls. but I knew that it wasn't right for me. But I dated anyway. A few dates then let them drift off. That would keep the cover. When all my friends started getting laid, head, under the shirt action etc. I just cracked jokes and kept the conversation away from me. I made it through High School pretty much unscathed and left pretty soon after. I joined the Navy.
Yes. I said the Navy. While in all my fucked up state of mind with the who can I tell and trust with this? My Dad decided to divorce my Mom. I was told a few days after I turned 18. It pretty much made my family life crappy like my life inside me was. SO appropriate. I decided to leave town. So being the genius that I am i joined the Navy and left soon after Graduation.
NOW! IF you are thinking of joining the Navy because you will see Cher on the Battle Ship like in the video, you won't. You won't dance on the ships deck with gay sailors spinning mops and brooms like a fucking Broadway Musical and having sweaty gay sex in the engine room. IT WON'T HAPPEN ok? What will happen if you are found out a Macho State of Mind takes over on board the ship and you WILL get a beat down. I never did. I was a good little "Don't ask Don't tell." I had years of experience at being a funny manly dude. And damned if it didn't save me again!
I did 2 years in the Navy. I hated it. I was paranoid. one slip up, one wrong word, one indiscretion that was found out i would be humiliated and physically hurt. i eventually was discharged and sent home. I went AWOL a lot and just couldn't handle it. When I joined the Navy I was socially stunted and not used to being outside my close circle of friends that I had fooled. Fooling the big open world on a Navel ship was way to hard. So, I bailed out until they told me to leave.
So, I get home, get my old job back and go on like business as usual. I lie and tell all my friends how I scored like a MADMAN! In California. NO Poonany was safe when the Ape was around baby! Lies. That was my life. Lies, on lies on lies.
During all this I met a girl named MissApe. we dated some, fooled around some, etc. How does a gay Ape fool around? Well, if you have a boy and a girl in front of you and only ONE of them is messing with your junk and your eyes are closed, its sensation. It feels good. get it? Do you know who for sure it is? Nope. And your Junk doesn't care. It's empty feelings inside a lot but having a Missape close helps to build and strengthen the lies. Is it fair to her? Hell no. Was it fair to use girls in High School as a shield, hell no. Am i total shit for this? Yea. But its the reality for what men do out of fear. Fear of losing loved ones, fear of violence, fear of people knowing......
At one point Missape and I broke up. I having been lying for so long had one night of weakness. I went to a gay bar. I was 21. I say "A" gay bar because it was the only one in town. I parked across the street so no one would see my car and I went in. Scared. Excited. Lost. All of it and more. I sat alone and a few guys in a group came and sat down. I managed to talk to them but was so scared I never actually told them anything about me. I just wanted to leave. I said goodbye and one of the guys gave me his number and said to call him. I ran out of the bar and never went back.
I did however call the guy and we met at his place to talk. Talk, yea is that what the kids call it today? We were intimate. I won't do details ok? But I was normal. for the 1 1/2-2 hours I was with him I was me. and I was excited! I felt like I could do ANYTHING! I was going home, and i was telling Mom I was GAY! She had to know how I felt now! It was gonna be ok!
It. Wasn't. I asked my Mom to sit down so we could talk. She looked at me and said OH MY GOD YOU'RE GAY! I hadn't said a word. I was shocked! I said how did you know!? Her face fell apart. She was just kidding. We talked a bit then she called her sister who gave her some Valium. I'm pretty sure it was Valium. Mom went to bed and we never spoke of it again.
I quietly went back to the closet, got back in my old seat (it was still warm) and closed the door....
I will post the action packed Finale! in the next few days. DRUGS! MARRIAGE! THERAPY! all the exciting details of "A Closet Door Nailed Shut" part 2.

Where all the bad people go.....

I was the bank today. Washington Mutual to be precise. I walked into the Lobby and saw a guy in a Members Only Jacket and some wicked Ted Kaczynski shades. He was being waited on by a teller who was about 6 foot tall, female, and a Hunchback. (IF you are thinking of looking online and trying to find Hunchback porn and you find it, please e-mail me a link. That is some shit I just can't find. )
For some reason Ted and the Hunchback both looked HELLA pissed off. I'm not sure what was going down Ok? But I was watching them and thinking, " If there was one day, one time that Quasimoto or the Unibomber here were going to snap and go on a killing spree today, January 17th at 11:42 is probably the day...."
So I did what I feel anyone in my place would have done. Yep. Got the fuck out of there and went through the Drive-Thru.
What can I say? I'm a pussy.....

Peace out Crackheads,
Speedoape.

Iraqistan

I was sitting here at work thinking about car bombs because I have a friend from Iraq. He is really FROM Iraq. Born and raised for the first 12 years of his life. But he says the most Fucked Up shit. His latest thing is that there are NO car bombers in Iraq. They are all just really shitty Mechanics.....
He's my friend and all, but i have started to ask him to please park up the street from my house....I'm just sayin'...

Peace out Crackheads....
Speedoape

Burritos, Satans Penis, and Diet Coke. Or as I like to call it "Lunch"

I'm trying to eat healthier. I really am. So today I went to lunch and made fat free refried beans in wheat tortilla burritos. Ok, not really. I opened the can of refried beans and spread them on the tortillas. That was the extent of my cooking.
I fold them, pop them in the microwave and forget to check them.
So, I take them out a bit later and sit for a lunch of FINE Mexican cuisine. I take a bite and this piece of shit ghetto ass white boy imitation bean burrito just EJACULATES molten hot bean lava into my mouth...it was like I had given Satan himself head and the bastard didn't warn me he was about to finish. (What the fuck do you expect? He is THE DEVIL after all..) So im sitting there with Satan’s refried bean load stuck to the roof of my mouth searing an burning....my brain just couldn’t register what the fuck was going on fast enough so it sat there for a few seconds before the neurons began to fire back up and this is when my brain actually turned against me.
Did it tell me to spit it out? Drink water? Fuck no. My brain told me my best course of action was to emit a high pitched squeal like a little bitch and waive my hand in front of my mouth and blow in and out really fast. *BE CAREFULL when doing this because if Satan is still around that bastard will put a cock in your mouth and you end up with a 2nd round of fire load...*
CONTRARY to what your brain tells you, this doesn't help out in the LEAST. The hand waiving only gives oxygen to the fire that has erupted by now and is making it even worse. So now at least 8-10 seconds have gone by and I finally get some Diet Caffeine-Free Coke (think brown water with no flavor or nutritional value whatsoever.) In my mouth to squelch the inferno. Sweet relief. So fucking sweet….
So after ALL this, being an American I did what any American would do. I picked that fucker up and took another bite. Please refer to the top of this post and work your way down again…

Peace out Crackheads!Speedoape

Blasphamy! Yea right. Fuck the Beatles.

I said it. FUCK The Beatles. People are so funny about The Beatles. "Oh man, how can you SAY that? they were so influential, so important to music history..."
Really? Gee I missed that. Hey maybe lend me a few Beatles cd's and I will see what the hell is so great. Oh? Really you dont have any? Maybe a song or 2 on the Ol' Ipod there? No?
Know why? BECAUSE you ARN'T 50 fucking years old! That's why Poindexter! You grew up on WHAM! And that asshole with one silver glove and a pacifier hanging off his pants zipper to intice that albino kid from Home Alone to suck his dick.
The Beatles were POP for the 60's. They were the Duran Duran for a different generation. One step above One Step Beyond. remember them? One Step Beyond? No. You know why? They didn't have the Managment The Fucking Beatles had. Thats why. The Beatles were force fed down a generations throat like Paris Hilton sucking dick by the glow of a green night light. Force fed like an Olson twin in Bulimia Re-hab.
I grew up on Motley Crue, Bullet Boys, and Dangerous Toys. And if we are being honest here, yea Bitch I had a Winger cassette tape and feathered hair. Lightning Bolt and OP tee-shirts. The shit you buy at Wal-Mart or see Julio the Yard Man wearing cost some tasty fucking cash back in the day.
But it's so funny, the same guy who would cum in his parachute pants while trying to dance like it was Hammer Time is now the BIGGEST Beatles fan in the WORLD.
Why? Because he is a fake. A front. He/she is denying what made their Teen years great. Day-Glo t-shirts that reminded you to RELAX! Because Frankie said so. Kangaroo shoes with the uselss pocket on the side that you couldn't fit JACK SHIT into. Dancing the Thriller Video before some convicts in some third world country on a prison yard youtube video made it cool again.
FUCK PEOPLE! Be HONEST! *GASP* HONESTY? that shit isn't cool. Its better to "Back that ass up and show me what your working with!" Then to throw up the fucking DEVIL HORNS and
Bang Your Head like you did back in the day when at a concert the lighters blazed in the night as a power ballad was sang and the panties wafted to the stage on a gentle summer breeze of depravity.
I'm so fucking disgusted...I'm going to get a beer. I hope to God I don't trip on my pants that hang half ways off my ass......cuz I'm a poser. Just like most Beatles fans.....

Peace out Crackheads
Speedoape

I don't want to kill them....just fuck them up.

People in general piss me off. I don't mean to come across like a prick here but it's true. I work in an office so i know about co-works and the like being assholes. Hey I'm one to. I'm sure of it. It happens.
But there is one prick in particular that needs to be dealt with. Not in a cement shoes kinda way, but I'm not opposed to kendo sticking him or her in the groin.
It's that fucking I'm so happy to be here in the morning and I love everyone and here is an e-mail you need to forward to 10 people otherwise Jesus will shit on your brisquit sandwhich type fuckers...
Just an Idea, but if we drag this person out into the middle of the office and cane them like in Singapore..FUCK THAT this is America! Baseball came from this fucking country.. so we drag them out into the middle of the office and hammer them in the vagina with a bat. Yes a Bat. A nice wooden Louiseville Slugger to the testicles will get the point across that YOU need to be as FUCKING sick of being here as the rest of us. YOU need to be in a drug induced stupor just to make it to lunch so you can smoke a joint with Julio in the warehouse so you can make it until 5pm. JUST LIKE THE REST OF US!
And if you don't get it on the first day It's ok, no really. It's kinda like on the job training. We can Reggie Jackson your ball sack or your shrimp ditch everyday until you learn. Hell, I will email 10 friends that we need to beat your happy ass until you take Paxil and Mexican Dirt Weed on a daily basis just like the rest of us....
Now. where is that fucker selling candy bars for his asshole kids school drama club? I got the munchies.....

Peace out Crackheads
Speedoape